Poetry

unfluttered

grilled

at first it was as i intended
strong, provocative and true
staring down the neck of the
dirty beast, unafraid
its unrelenting presence
drove me to the brink.
it wasn’t magic anymore
it was anguish.

you asked if i’d like to
dance, perhaps just a little
bit longer.
i dipped my head, shy or
uncomfortable.
i’d have to tell you then
that i couldn’t, that it was
time for me to go.

broken wings, clipped,
remain unfluttered.
curled up in the corner
licking what was left of the wound.
you can’t ask me to dance
anymore,
i’ve made it to the second
ground.
i’m over the rough lust
that keeps lovers together, long
past their breaking point.

today i made peace with the
yearning desire, the beat-down egoic voice,
the ripples and the waves.
i’ve made peace with the fractured soul.

Note: if you see a word that doesn’t yet belong in the English dictionary, surprise! Occasionally I enjoy making up my own 😉

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Poetry

Falling, habitually

sunset

standing on the edge again
wondering if this time,
i’ll be afraid, too afraid
to jump.
so far to fall,
but i’ll never find peace
standing here.

i take a deep breath
and exhale, close my eyes
then like all the other times,
i leap.
as i fall, i wonder if this
time i will fall to the ground
crumpled in a heavy mass,
it is too late now for fear.

then as it has been,
every time before
the net appears, just in time
and catches my falling body midair
wrapping it up like a
blanket.

suddenly i’m warm and cozy
on a distance shore, gazing
upon my new horizon,
fear forgotten, like it
never happened.

i wonder
if next time i’ll be
too afraid to jump,
too afraid of the fall.

oh well, here we go again…

Uncategorized

Turned Upside Down

20170831_172439
You Matter

Your face
That smile
Rupturing
Giggles,
Always.

No matter
The situation
You found a way
To see the
Good,
The light.

You matter,
You’d say
And my heart
Began to
Mend.
All the wounds
Of past
Battles,
Erased
With your
Intentional
Words.

Your soul
And eternity
Intertwined,
Fulfilling
Purpose,
Fully
Conscious
Of Consciousness
Itself.

In me
You found
Beauty
And
Brought out
Inner brilliance
Once shrouded by
False beliefs.

My heart longs
For those giggles
That light presence,
Why did it have to end.

Uncategorized

A Seemingly Open Letter to Someone Who Will Never Read It (Most Probably)

Your arms felt warm and soft around me, squishy even. These are the first times I remember feeling your presence, happy or rather, at peace.
There was something new rising to the surface and you were YOU. Probably the best you that you’ve ever been.
I remember feeling, for the first time, safe in your presence. You weren’t here to harm me, push me down or away. You didn’t feel threatened by me, my presence didn’t bring up all the ugly bits. Maybe they were gone, maybe they were already worked through, I had hoped.
In those moments, I felt what you probably always intended to express to me, love. In those moments you had me trust, just sit back and allow. Not grabbing for something to ground me, to help me feel rested, sure, safe, but just being. In my heart, aware, loving, present.

If only those moments could have lasted. If only you hadn’t reverted to the you that hated me, that was triggered by me. If only.

I pretended for a lot of years that I didn’t care, that it didn’t matter. It’s easier to appear above it, than it is to admit that it still hurts, that despite all you’ve done, I still care. I still want you to love me, understand me. It hurts that when I have a good day or something magical happens, I want to call you, but even if I did and even if you pick up the phone, YOU won’t be there. The you that loves me, the one that found peace within.
Sometimes I still pretend. I pretended so well that I believed I was over it all, that I had moved on. It wasn’t until something happened and my first thought was to call you. Why would I call you? Why after all these years, all these tears, all the trying? You who I can’t even have a conversation without triggering and pushing invisible buttons? You who drags on my energy like a vampire, taking and taking my light, instead of shining your own? Why would I call you? Why would I think that you would make something better, easier?

It is because of that YOU. The one that held me safely in their arms. The one that shared their beautifully created new life with me, inviting me to stay with you, taking me to your favorite places, sharing pizza, going to movies, making everything seem special and nice. It is because of that YOU. The one who sent me “extra” money so I’d do something nice for myself, when we both knew there was no extra money. It is because of that YOU. The one that with one phone call, made everything seem brighter, with more possibility. The one that is artistic and creative, spiritual and non-judgmental, inspirational, a good listener.
I don’t know where that you is. I wish I did. But I can’t say that I’m not okay without you. I’ve become so strong and independent and deep without that you around. I had to push myself in ways that I might not have if we were on friendly terms. I am me because of all of these experiences, so I can’t say that I have regrets. I can’t say that having you around would have made everything better, that may not be the truth.
So no more fantasy, I do not want to look back at those special experiences with YOU, as if I am missing something, as if I can’t be whole without them. Things change, I know that, and when they change there’s usually a good reason. After all, we are here to grow, to evolve, not to hold on to people and to make time stand still.

And yet, it was important for me to acknowledge how I have loved YOU, how YOU have loved me. Important to recognize that just because our individual presence changed and our life directions changed, it doesn’t reflect on those moments of love, underneath it all.
I recently read (sorry I don’t recall where) “we meet where there are no limitations.” Well, that is where I am waiting for you, that is where you will always be, in my heart.

Poetry

Moving On Up

clean blog

Activating the active mind
Troubling memories to forget
Crumpled papers, sky high
In the corners left to waste.
Won’t you please stop
Reminding of all that’s gone past?

Move on, move up, move out

Eyes scrunched tightly
Avoiding bright day light
Pulled up to the top
Emotional blankets
Covering all but the reason.
Left with worries and crinkled
Markings from years gone by
Pressed in like morning sheets
On the face of the newly woke.

Still don’t know why I can’t
Let it all go
Still don’t know why your
Words are haunting me so
Still can’t get by
Without your words in my
Head
Still won’t move on from
All the things that you said

Move on, move on, move on.

© Inner Eye Prints 2018