Your arms felt warm and soft around me, squishy even. These are the first times I remember feeling your presence, happy or rather, at peace.
There was something new rising to the surface and you were YOU. Probably the best you that you’ve ever been.
I remember feeling, for the first time, safe in your presence. You weren’t here to harm me, push me down or away. You didn’t feel threatened by me, my presence didn’t bring up all the ugly bits. Maybe they were gone, maybe they were already worked through, I had hoped.
In those moments, I felt what you probably always intended to express to me, love. In those moments you had me trust, just sit back and allow. Not grabbing for something to ground me, to help me feel rested, sure, safe, but just being. In my heart, aware, loving, present.
If only those moments could have lasted. If only you hadn’t reverted to the you that hated me, that was triggered by me. If only.
I pretended for a lot of years that I didn’t care, that it didn’t matter. It’s easier to appear above it, than it is to admit that it still hurts, that despite all you’ve done, I still care. I still want you to love me, understand me. It hurts that when I have a good day or something magical happens, I want to call you, but even if I did and even if you pick up the phone, YOU won’t be there. The you that loves me, the one that found peace within.
Sometimes I still pretend. I pretended so well that I believed I was over it all, that I had moved on. It wasn’t until something happened and my first thought was to call you. Why would I call you? Why after all these years, all these tears, all the trying? You who I can’t even have a conversation without triggering and pushing invisible buttons? You who drags on my energy like a vampire, taking and taking my light, instead of shining your own? Why would I call you? Why would I think that you would make something better, easier?
It is because of that YOU. The one that held me safely in their arms. The one that shared their beautifully created new life with me, inviting me to stay with you, taking me to your favorite places, sharing pizza, going to movies, making everything seem special and nice. It is because of that YOU. The one who sent me “extra” money so I’d do something nice for myself, when we both knew there was no extra money. It is because of that YOU. The one that with one phone call, made everything seem brighter, with more possibility. The one that is artistic and creative, spiritual and non-judgmental, inspirational, a good listener.
I don’t know where that you is. I wish I did. But I can’t say that I’m not okay without you. I’ve become so strong and independent and deep without that you around. I had to push myself in ways that I might not have if we were on friendly terms. I am me because of all of these experiences, so I can’t say that I have regrets. I can’t say that having you around would have made everything better, that may not be the truth.
So no more fantasy, I do not want to look back at those special experiences with YOU, as if I am missing something, as if I can’t be whole without them. Things change, I know that, and when they change there’s usually a good reason. After all, we are here to grow, to evolve, not to hold on to people and to make time stand still.
And yet, it was important for me to acknowledge how I have loved YOU, how YOU have loved me. Important to recognize that just because our individual presence changed and our life directions changed, it doesn’t reflect on those moments of love, underneath it all.
I recently read (sorry I don’t recall where) “we meet where there are no limitations.” Well, that is where I am waiting for you, that is where you will always be, in my heart.